Where the Druffalo Roam
by SteveGarbage
Summary: "LOST: Prize-winning druffalo, Druffy. Ran when demons attacked, last seen down in the gully. Reward if found and returned to farmstead." If only it were that easy... a tale of impossible struggle against the forces of a poorly designed quest.


The druffalo stood in the middle of canyon, lazily munching grass.

"This must be Druffy," Trevelyan said, sliding the demon-stained greatsword across his back. The Herald had closed a couple rifts around the farms, scoped out high ground for new watchtowers and defeated a pack of demon-controlled wolves in a rocky ravine. All in all, the Hinterlands were shaping up quite nicely.

With the demons out of the way, leading the spooked druffalo home should be no trouble.

"Come on Druffy," Trevelyan said, waving his hand. "This way. We're going to take you home. Follow me."

Trevelyan started walking back through the ravine. Piece of cake.

Except when he turned to look over his shoulder, Druffy had not moved.

"Come on, boy. We're going home."

Druffy turned his head quizzically, then lowered it back to the grass and began grazing again.

No problem. He was just a little uneasy. Trevelyan walked back over and crouched before Druffy. The druffalo was snacking up the grass with gusto.

"Hey there buddy. How's that grass? Tasty?" Druffy didn't answer. Trevelyan patted him on the head with his right hand – his non-glowing, non-magicky, non-freaky hand. "If you follow, I'll take you back to your home. Plenty of good, tall grass there. So come on, let's go!"

Trevelyan popped up, marching back toward the farm. When he turned his head this time, Druffy was on the move. Mission accomplished! Easy experience and influence!

Until Druffy took a left turn, walking straight into the rocky cliff, his head pressed against the stone, his legs moving, churning, going nowhere.

"No, Druffy, this way!" Trevelyan shouted.

Druffy roared and lifted his front legs, stepping up onto the rock and scraping his massive hooves against the stone.

"No. Druffy. Turn! Turn! This way!"

Druffy slipped down the rock, turned around, gave another mooing groan and went back to grazing.

* * *

The druffalo must have weighed a ton.

Trevelyan stood behind Druffy, shoving against the animal's rear, trying to push him in the right direction.

Druffy stood as solidly as a boulder.

"You know, you two can help me," Trevelyan said, huffing.

Cassandra crossed her arms over her chest and turned up her nose. "I was Right Hand of the Divine. I am _not_ going to push a druffalo's rear end."

Blackwall shook his head as well. "He's not going to move. We should just move on."

Trevelyan gave another shove. Druffy didn't move. He smacked the druffalo in the flank. Druffy didn't move. He put his shoulder into the rear and chopped his feet, trying to budge him. Druffy didn't move.

"Why? Why won't you just walk?" Trevelyan pleaded.

"Just give up," Blackwall urged.

"I agree. What is the point of herding a druffalo home?" Cassandra added. "We have bigger problems. Like demons. And the _Breach_."

Trevelyan stood up, brushing druffalo fur off his the sleeves of his coat. He looked exasperated. "What is the point? What is the point!? A farmer out there needs our help. I mean, sure, it was just some random note pinned to a sign board in front of an abandoned farmhouse, but _someone_ had to put it there!

"And besides, we're sure to get some good experience from this good deed and the Inquisition will gain influence!" Trevelyan said.

"What kind of influence are we going to gain—" Cassandra began before being interrupted.

"And maybe we'll get some gold. Or an item. What if it's a rare item? Or a super-rare, unique, purply item with its own name and backstory and extra magical effects? Huh? What if it's something amazing like the 'Drufflbow' or the 'Druff' Rider Armor' or—"

"Ugh, just stop," Cassandra surrendered. "We'll help."

Even three warriors could not budge the beast.

* * *

"Darling, you can't be serious," Vivienne objected.

Druffy had moved about ten yards – in the wrong direction. He was now staring east into the canyon, blankly gazing into nothingness.

"No, this is totally going to work," Trevelyan said. "Ice wall, right in front of his face. Then a little bit of fire at the rump to encourage him to move. We'll use the ice walls to corral him in the right direction."

"I am Enchanter to the Imperial Court and I object to my skills being used for such mundane and ludicrous purposes," Vivienne said with a scowl. "Also darling, this druffalo is clearly a druffalette."

Trevelyan craned his neck down, peeking under Druffy. The animal's equipment slot was empty.

"Huh, well what do you know," he mused. Then shook his head and popped back up. "Your objections are noted! Now just do it!" Trevelyan might have been coming unraveled slightly.

Vivienne frowned even more but began to cast her spells. The clinking wall of ice sprung up, jagged icicles piercing six feet high in a thick wall just before the druffalo's face. Druffy backed up a step at the sudden wall of frozen water before her.

"Good! Good! Now, a little fire to get him, I mean her, moving!"

This was going to work. Quest completed! Influence gained! He could scratch that line out of his meticulously penned journal he kept despite the complaints of his companions about how much time he wasted writing. But when tasks were gained or completed, he _had_ to write it down. How could they not understand that!?

Vivienne lowered her staff to Druffy's rear, the head of the staff lighting with a little fire. She moved it closer, touching it lightly to the drufallette's rump. Trevelyan rubbed his hands together, just waiting for this perfectly hatched plan to begin working. Guided out of the canyon with a mixture of ice walls and gentle butt fire, Druffy would be home in no time.

His stomach growled as his nose caught the scent of a delicious dinner. He closed his eyes, inhaling, trying to place it.

"Mmmm, smells like someone is cooking a nice steak." He paused. Wait. Steak? He opened his eyes to see the thin column of smoke floating from Druffy's rear. "Maker, no!"

Vivienne lifted her staff, curling her lip. "Would your prefer your druffalo medium or well? Or shall I stop, darling?"

* * *

"When I said my romance serials were bad, I didn't mean they were _this_ bad," Varric protested.

Trevelyan rolled the stump, letting it fall with a plop. He offered the impromptu seat to the dwarf.

"This is totally going to work," Trevelyan said, excitedly. "You read Swords and Shields. Druffy turns and runs in the opposite direction. It's so simple, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."

Varric sat down onto the stump, opening the book and looking skeptically at Druffy. The druffalette's dull, black eyes stared at him attentively as she munched some grass. Varric began:

 _"'The Viscount has been setting you up. This cult you have worked so hard to root out, they are the true freedom fighters. It is the Viscount who seeks to enslave the city to his rule.'_

 _"His words struck a dagger through her heart. It was incredible. Unbelievable. But the way he gently touched her cheek told Guard Captain Avallen that he spoke the truth. 'Then, all this time, I've been wrong. I'm such a fool, Solan.' She lowered her head, the sound of a sniffle drowned out by the gentle sound of the small waterfall splashing into the underground lake, the single tear across her cheek illuminated in the light greenish-blue glow of his magefire torch._

 _"'For all the wrongs of the City Guard, they did one thing right. They made you.' A flutter ran through Avallen's heart at his words, cutting through the sadness and disappointment like her blade sheared armor. 'Let me take away this mark. Let me free you from the lies.' The apostate's fingers touched the edge of the guardsman insignia she had worn proudly ever since her teenage years._

 _"Avallen considered. He meant to take away a part of her, but she would give him everything if he asked it become she loved him wholly and unconditionally. 'I vowed I would always uphold the peace and protect the innocent and the City Guard has tainted that oath. Take it away.'_

 _"Solan's fingers wrapped around the badge and he yanked it gently from her chest. As he tossed it aside, the badge splashing under the surface of the water, they locked eyes. Avallen looked deeply into his eyes, the feeling of freedom overwhelmed only by the deep love she felt for Solan. 'You are so beautiful,' he said._

 _"Avellan leaned forward, their lips gently touching, their arms wrapping around each other as they kissed deeply. Their bodies and spirits entwined and became one in their kiss. But just as suddenly as the kiss began, Solan broke away, pushing the guard captain back slightly. 'I can't,' he said. 'I'm sorry.' He turned his head away and began to creep toward the entrance of the cave._

 _"'Solan, wait! I love you! Don't leave me. Please, you always do this,' Avallen pleaded._

 _"'I'm sorry. I wish I could explain. But I can't. I just can't.' And he turned and walked away from her again. How many times had they been so close to having happiness, only for him to run? All Solan could do was hurt her, and yet, she couldn't stop chasing him. She could not know the dark, psychotic secrets he held within his ancient brain trapped inside rounded bald head. But even if she did, would it truly have mattered? She would love him always, no matter how closed and distant he was, no matter how many times he kissed her and then ran away only to do it again a few days later, even if she could never explain it to anyone else."_

Varric stopped and looked up from the page. Trevelyan looked up too.

Druffy was still standing in front of them, her mouth hanging agape and her eyes glassy. Next to her, Cassandra sat cross-legged, her head perched in her hands as she hung on every word. Behind them, multiple other women were standing and sitting, regaling in the tale. Trevelyan wasn't exactly sure where they came from, or how they got there, but they were drawn to Varric's terrible story as if it were a beacon.

"Ohhh, what I would give for a love like that," Cassandra mused, blinking herself out of her daze.

"Maybe I need to start writing a sequel," Varric said as he saw the crowd, even more women rushing into the ravine to listen to his romance tale.

"Wait, what?" Trevelyan asked, ignoring the fact that, of course, Druffy hadn't moved an inch. "Solan is terrible! All he ever does is go, 'Ohhh, I think you're sooo pretty but, alas, I am too deep and brooding and I cannot commit to loving you for reasons that I cannot and will not explain.'"

Cassandra groaned. Some of the women booed. "You just don't understand true love!" she hurled at him.

"Yeah!" Scout Harding shouted. "He's mysterious. If he had his life together, we wouldn't be interested!" That drew another round of raucous agreement.

"Keep reading, Varric," Cassandra urged as she scooted closer and tapped his foot with her hand. Her cheeks were bright red and she had a giddy smile across her face that was oddly uncharacteristic.

Varric looked up at Trevelyan. Druffy wasn't going anywhere. The Herald shrugged. Varric opened the book back up.

 _"And though there were plenty of good, available men without complicated histories willing to court Avallen, she couldn't get Solan the apostate out of her head…"_

* * *

"Pranks."

Sera nodded enthusiastically as she looked at the druffalette.

"Pranks? How is that going to help?" Trevelyan asked skeptically.

"Wait, no. Not pranks. _Bees,"_ Sera said, her eyes alight with mischief and excitement.

Trevelyan scratched his head. Before Sera could go any further, he put up both his hands.

"You know what, on second thought, I don't think I need your help Sera. Can you just head back to camp and send Bull?"

* * *

Trevelyan pet Druffy light on the head as another crack of thunder roared through the sky and more flaming green meteors spilled out of it. Thick black smoke was rising from the direction of Redcliffe.

"This is incredibly embarrassing, Boss." Iron Bull was down on all fours next to Druffy.

"Look, Druffy just needs some guidance. Druffy has horns. You have horns. So if you just start walking like that, she'll surely follow you." Trevelyan clapped excitedly.

"Chargers are never going to believe it when I tell them about this," Krem said with a snicker. "Come on, Chief. Giddyup!"

"And make sure you make druffalo noises while you do it!" Trevelyan added.

Bull lowered his head in shame, but began to crawl forward. "Moo. Moo moo. Moooo."

"Those aren't very convincing," Trevelyan said.

"Yeah, Chief, put some heart into it!" Krem agreed.

"Mooooo MOOO," Bull responded. " _MOOOooooo_."

Surprisingly, Druffy began to move. "She's walking! She's walking!" Trevelyan grabbed Krem's hands and began jumping up and down like a schoolgirl talking with her friend about how her secret crush so coolly acknowledged her existence for the first time today.

"Wait, hold on," Krem said, motioning his head to the side toward Bull.

Druffy nuzzled the side of her head into Bull, nudging him hard enough to knock him over. As Bull tumbled onto his back, Druffy hopped on top of him, lying down and pinning the Qunari warrior under her heavy body. Druffy began to lick Bull's face.

"Please," Bull pleaded between strained efforts to breathe, his hand reaching out for mercy toward Krem and the Herald. "Help me."

Druffy's tail began to sway back and forth excitedly. The drufallete looked deeply into Bull's eye. She mooed seductively.

"This got weird," Krem said.

"Agreed. Let's get out of here," Trevelyan said. "We can come back later."

Trevelyan whistled to himself as he and Krem walked away, ignoring the enthusiastic druffalo sounds and Bull's frantic shouts for help.

* * *

Varric's reading stump now had a small piece of paper placed on it with a crudely drawn map and two rocks planted on top of it.

The chair had become a war table.

"I need options people. Go!" Trevelyan said.

Leliana, Josephine and Cullen exchanged confused glances.

"You called us from Skyhold for… this?" Cullen dared to ask.

"I had to cancel about," Josephine's voice was exasperated as she began counting on her fingers, giving up after she surpassed the five on her non-scribbleboard hand. "So many meetings!"

"Yes, and my agents are reporting there is worsening trouble in Redcliffe that needs to be addressed soon," Leliana said.

Trevelyan had taken off his armor, his shirt was unbuttoned halfway down, the stubble upon his face was thick and black and his eyes were red and bloodshot due to lack of sleep. He paced back and forth in front of his improvised war table, Druffy standing casually behind him. She watched the goings on, chewing a clump of grass in her cheek.

"Ideas, people, ideas," Trevelyan said, spinning his hands in circles to egg them forward. "The Breach isn't going anywhere. This is our top priority. I want… that… Drufflbow."

His eyes were hard and serious as he glanced down at the map of the ravine and the farms and then back up at his advisers, tapping his foot impatiently on the ground.

"Well," Josephine said uncomfortably. "I could… maybe reach out to some of the farmers nearby to see if they can help."

"We have plenty of soldiers," Cullen chimed in. "Perhaps we could build some sort of ramp or cart or something. Load the druffalo in and pull her home."

"Good, good," Trevelyan said.

"Ummmm," Leliana looked back and forth at the other two. Josephine shrugged her shoulders. Cullen averted his gaze. "Well. I can… I can, have my agents try to dig up some information about Druffy's past. Maybe we could blackmail her into going home."

Trevelyan placed his hand to his chin, considering all of the options, nodding up and down quickly, his eyes darting side to side and his mouth twitching.

"Yes, that's good. Let's do all three of those things," the Herald said.

"All three?" Leliana asked.

"Begging your pardon, Herald, but you can only choose one of us," Josephine said.

"And why's that? Are the other two of you busy?" Trevelyan said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's just, that's how it works. One operation, one adviser. We don't make the rules, we just follow them," Cullen said. "Did you read that tutorial we presented you about the war table operations, or did you just skip it."

Trevelyan _had_ skipped it. No one had time for reading those things.

"No, I need all three of you working on this problem," Trevelyan said obstinately, his voice cracking as he stretched his neck out, his eyes opening wide like the crazy person he was slowly becoming.

The advisers exchanged worried glances again. "Sure, Herald. We'll see what we can do," Cullen said. "Just give me fifteen minutes and I'll report back."

"I'll also need fifteen minutes," Leliana said.

"My agents will help reduce the time I need, so I should only need twelve minutes and thirty seconds," Josephine added with a smile.

Leliana and Cullen shot unimpressed glances at her.

"Yes, well," Josephine said, pretending to scribble a note on her paper. "Let's get to it."

* * *

Trevelyan stood with his palm covering his face, all of his companions and advisers gathered in a semicircle behind him.

"I've never seen anything like it," Solas said.

Druffy's body was now caught halfway inside the cliff face. Her head and front legs were still free, but the entire back half of her body was gone as if it had somehow melded into the stone itself. Her front hooves scraped against the ground as if she were walking, but she went nowhere. Druffy mooed in despair, her head unable to bend down to reach the grass.

"Is there _any_ way to get her out of there?" Trevelyan asked without lifting his hand off his face. His eyes closed, he breathed slowly, trying to keep himself from breaking in two.

"I can check the Fade and see-"

"We don't have time for you to be napping," Trevelyan said, frustrated. "And there's nowhere to lie down. We're standing ankle deep in druffalo droppings."

It had been days. Although Druffy ate all day, every day, the grass never seemed to disappear. The manure just kept piling up and piling up. Trevelyan wondered if his sense of smell would come back in time, or if it would be lost to him forever.

"Yes, well," Solas said, nervously. Perhaps he was an expert on the Fade and magic and conjuring of non-fire-colored fire, but he was as clearly out of ideas just like everyone else. "Perhaps if we left the Hinterlands and came back, Druffy will be free. Allow the magical energy to… to reload itself. Or something. Magic!" Solas presented the idea with a quick shake of jazz hands to sell the idea.

Cassandra stepped forward, her feet carefully stepping in the few spots between the large piles of manure. She placed her hand lightly upon Trevelyan's shoulders.

"Herald, please," she begged. "The Breach is three times larger than it was when we started. The Empress is dead. Orlais is overrun by demons. The rebel mages have all been shipped off to Tevinter and Red Templars are rampaging throughout the Ferelden Bannorn."

Trevelyan began to sob quietly into his hand.

"Don't cry. Please don't cry," Cassandra said. "You did everything you could. No one can ask anything more of you. And, I know we've only had one conversation at Haven before this, but I'm pretty sure you began flirting with me, during it, so let's see where that takes us. Forget about Druffy. Come with me instead. Maybe we can talk about the Breach or the Chantry or Nevarra or something and you can cram some flirting in their despite the serious tone of the conversation?"

Trevelyan sniffled, his fingers wiping tears out of the corners of his eyes and off his cheeks. His mouth turned into a pitiful frown as he looked once more at Druffy, all of his sadness and frustration bubbling to the surface of his face.

"I just wanted that Drufflbow so badly," he said.

"I know you did," Cassandra cooed, gently patting his shoulder. She turned her head, shooting a quick, confused look at the others, who shook their heads and/or shrugged their shoulders.

Trevelyan sniffled once more and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

"I can't stand having incomplete quest in my journal," he said. "Just let me close this one out."

Trevelyan lifted his two-handed sword, stomping his boots through the sea of druffalo manure as he came up close to Druffy. She lifted her head, her sad eyes glancing at the bare steel in his hand, her dainty hooves scraping futily at the ground.

"Shhh, shhhh. It's OK. It's OK girl," Trevelyan said. "I'm sorry it had to end like this. But I'm sure your spirit will pass through the Druffl-Fade, where you'll be joined with Druffl-Andraste and the Druffl-Maker. It'll be nothing but green pastures as far as the eye can see. No narrow ravines. No scary demons. Just as much grass as you can eat and poop out."

Trevelyan bent down, placing a gentle kiss upon Druffy's head. "You'll be home soon."

Trevelyan hoisted the greatsword high above his head, his eyes pasted on the curve of her neck, jutting partway out of the boulder that she managed to inexplicably get stuck inside. He shut his eyes, clenched his teeth and brought the sword down in one furious strike.

His body wrenched as the tip of the sword struck the ground.

"I'm sorry, Druffy," he spoke to himself quietly, one last tear escaping down his cheek.

There was a moment of silent mourning.

"She's not dead!" Varric called out from behind them.

"Sword went right through her. Like a ghost," Blackwall agreed.

Trevelyan opened his eyes to spy Druffy, as alive and stubborn as ever, her innocent black eyes gazing up at him stupidly. She mooed quietly, her tongue flitting out, reaching toward the grass.

"Oh for fu-"

A loud, loving moo from Druffy obscured the rest of his sentence.


End file.
